Thankful Thursday #38

It's a lovely day to blog, so there we go!

1. My boyfriend. The funniest, quirkiest, kindest and most loving human I have ever met and I get to wake up every day next to this gem of a person!
2. My Spotify account, letting me explore new music and podcasts on a whim.
3. Sunny mornings. The easiest way to start your day on a high.
4. My keepcup; making my coffee feel special and saving the environment - win!
5. Strawberries. Sweet, decadent fruit with few calories, yes, please!
6. My job. I love my job. I love having loads to do and being left to do it. Just pop the headphones on, upbeat playlist on and here I go!
7. The new season of The Kindness Diaries (on Netflix). Reaffirming my faith in humankind with every 20 minute episode.

The princess and the dragon

We've all heard fairy tales about a dragon keeping a princess prisoner in a tower. In those stories, the dragon must always be slain to save the princess. After all, the dragon is the reason she is a prisoner, right? So to save the princess (or for the princess to save herself) the dragon needs to die.

But has anyone ever bothered to ask the dragon why it's there at all? I mean, there must be better dragon-y things to do than to stay put guarding a tower with a princess inside. Has anyone ever considered that the dragon doesn't see itself as the princess's monster, but rather as her protector? What I'm saying is not original. In fact, credit goes to Hazel Gale and her work on surpassing self-sabotaging behaviours. I'll try not to repeat her content, but you can find her here.

If we take fairy tales as metaphors for our lives, then we must think about our dragons as more than an evil obstacle to be overcome. Our dragons (our limiting self-beliefs and the behaviours that spur from them) are there for a reason. At some point in our lives our brain decided we needed a dragon to protect us from something and voila! the dragon was born. Now, more often than not the premise itself is faulty; either our brain got it wrong from the beginning and just ran with it based on the wrong assumption, or those things the dragon was born to protect us from are no longer there. But the dragon is. You can't erase your dragon. Once it's born it's there for life. It's part of who you are.

So you can't kill the dragon, you can't exactly pretend it's not there, you can't tell it that the reason for its existence is gone so it can just bugger off. What are you supposed to do then?

The answer is you have to tame it. Slowly and patiently. I believe that once a dragon stops being useful, the only way to move forward with your life is to dedicate yourself to taming it. After all the dragon is part of you. It's not for me to say how exactly you do that. Personally, I find Hazel's approach to be the one that's brought me the most results and that's been kinder to me (and my dragon).

My dragon exists because of a primal fear that if people see me for who I am, flaws and all, that they will leave me. This wasn't too bad when I lived on my own, but living with someone means there's only so much you can hide your pre-caffeine, morning breath, no make-up self. It means that person will see you when you're vulnerable, sleepy, hangry, when you can't be bothered to do the dishes. Yikes! And if that person is not related to you by blood, then there's nothing permanent tying them to you, so they can leave. They will see you with your unshaven legs, unholy obsession with having the toilet paper facing a certain way or your bad habit of not checking recipe ingredients before you do the weekly shopping and they will leave you. My dragon believes this and anything to the contrary acts as spears trying to pierce its hide. My mission in life isn't to say what its beliefs are stupid and to get over them, but rather to show it how our reality has changed since its birth. For ages those two statements felt the same, but actually the not-so-subtle subtleties make them worlds apart. The former means fighting its belief system, the former means patiently changing it. The first will offer resistance, the second will foster acceptance.

Because here's the thing I learned from Hazel: you can't fight your dragon and win, because the dragon is part of you. If the dragon loses, you lose. So stop fighting it. Become a mother of dragons instead (sorry, Game of Thrones fans, I couldn't resist!) Teach your dragon that you'll be alright without its protection. That life is different now, the world isn't as threatening and bleak as it see it still. That there is joy. That you are a badass with your own set of wings and tough hide. Set your dragon free. Set yourself free.

source: https://www.reddit.com/r/wholesomememes/comments/b0c5c4/the_princess_and_the_dragon/

Thankful Thursday #37

It's that time of the week!

1. Sunny weather. Everything is better when it's sunny. Your problems look smaller, your joys swell you up.
2. My boyfriend. Every day is a good day if I get to fall asleep next to my favourite person in the Universe.
3. My body. I have an amazing body (I'm not being vain here, I'm talking about a lot more than physical appearance). My body has dealt with every curved ball I've thrown its way and came up on top with joy. I push it by working out way past wanting to stop, by not always sleeping as much as I need or eating things I shouldn't and it has never let me down. The things I may not love about it (like the few pounds I could shed) are on me and me alone. My body is awesome!
4. Having a locker at work. I don't travel light, so having a locker where I can leave my work mug, my water bottle, my toothbrush, my work shoes, my work crockery and cutlery set, my spare mobile charger, my (you get the picture, I could go on) is a load off my back (literally!).
5. Disposable income. I'm going to have a few extra expenses in the next couple of months, so I am very fortunate that I have disposable income allows me to not have to go without anything or worry too much about my finances.
6. Late sunny reads. Yesterday I was reading in my sofa until almost 8pm before I needed to turn on the lights. I love longer sunny days!
7. New recipes. My personal trainer has sent me a few recipes for me to try and keep on top of my calorie intake, and I am actually super excited to give them a go!

Find your brew

In my 30-plus years on this Earth I have wrestled with the concept that I am not everyone's cup of tea. I mean, I understand it logically, but emotionally I still want to be the one who defies the odds by being loved by everyone. I am a self-professed people-pleaser and I like to be liked (I mean, who doesn't?). Sitting with the discomfort of not being liked is something I find extremely irksome and is been a life-long practice where some days are easier than others. Here is what I have learnt along the way:

1. The reason some people don't take to me are the very same reasons that make me so special to so many others. If I dull what makes me me I might blend in better, but I'll be... meh! I'd be a muted version of myself, and that is a disservice to myself and to everyone who loves me for who I am.

2. The fact that you are not everyone's cup of tea increases the value of the people to whom you are the perfect brew. If you were everyone's cuppa, how much harder it would be to find your tribe! Not being like by everyone shines a light on the people who matter. It makes them special, because they are rarer.

3. Palates and needs change. I used to find tea with milk disgusting, but after years of living in the UK, it's now become a Winter staple. I cannot function properly without a morning coffee, however I know that a drop caffeine anytime past 4pm and my sleep is done for. Same with people. There are people who grow on me (and the opposite) and I'll need different kinds of people in different circumstances. So instead of thinking that I am not someone's cup of tea, maybe it would be more accurate to say I am not their cup of tea right now, which my people-pleaser self find a much easier pill to swallow.

4. The discomfort of not being liked is just human biology doing its work. We are pack animals; being integrated in a group was essential to our pre-historic survival. We are wired to seek the group's approval, to be liked, to ensure we have a clan where we belong. In this regard, women are more prone to this than men, both due to nature and nurture. We have made huge progress in the last few decades, but deep down we still see women being thought of as ball-busters where men are perceived as determined (I could go on, you know where I'm going with this). So when I feel my stomach tying itself into knots, I try to remind myself that's my body doing it's thing.

5. Being disliked won't kill you. Some people won't like you. Some people will not agree with you. Some people may be less than civil about it and say and act in ways that could hurt you. That's life. You are probably on the other side of the same equation with other people who are not your cup of tea.

6. Other people's reaction to you says more about them than about you. I found this quote online that read "Some people will never like you because your spirit irritates their inner demons" (no idea who the author is) and I think this hits the nail on the head. People who are honest in an unapologetic way rub me the wrong way, and I fully understand that the reason this irks me so much is that it goes directly against my own wiring. I abhor conflict, so I try to be as diplomatic as possible in my communication. People that cut through the crap and don't bother to pussyfoot give me a mixture of the shivers, resistance and admiration, because even though this is not the way I function, I definitely admire it.

Promises of Spring

Spring began again last week. The season of rebirth, of reinvention, of cleaning and decluttering is here again. Days get longer, temperatures get milder, spirits get higher. We shed the extra layers of Winter and ready ourselves to start anew.

So what follows is part wishlist, part to-do list, part putting things on papers so I am now accountable for making them happen.

1. Park lunches. At least once a week (weather permitting) I would like to spend my lunch hour reading and chilling in the park, alone or with a workmate. I always come back to my desk feeling refreshed, so this is something to invest in at every opportunity.
2. Outside runs. I prefer a treadmill to simply running outside. There's no stop and go, no traffic and other people to consider, no unexpected ups and downs, plus it's way easier to keep track of how you're performing. But outside there is the arboretum. And in the arboretum there is pretty greenery and swings. And those early weekend mornings when I get to the park and the swings are empty are a real treat. Adulthood is way easier when you allow yourself to go back to childhood joys every now and then.
3. Garden revamp. This year I want to really put some effort into making our garden a nice place be in. I look forward to scrubbing tiles, re-potting plants, clear weeds, maybe invest in a deck chair or two.
4. New recipes. Years ago I bought a Slimming World book with recipes for Spring and Summer and I never opened it. This is the year to explore with some new and healthy recipes.
5. Decluttering. Arguably this is more of a Summer project for me, since that's when I have the house to myself and can leave a project halfway done by bedtime without it impacting on anyone else. Anyway, I'm already dreaming of the day(s) when I get to dump all my clothes on the bed and clean the closet.
6. New coat. This year I want to invest in quality items, as opposed to getting something that's nice and economical. So I am excited about getting myself a nice mid-season trench-coat, something flattering and versatile with a bit of colour. The question is do I want one in bright yellow, mustard yellow, emerald green, ruby red? Decisions, decisions.
7. Longer hussle days. In Winter I feel I accomplish very little outside of work because there is so little time. I get home and I have a two hour slot to get stuff done and to chill and unwind before it's bedtime again. In Spring and Summer, as the days get longer, my body tricks me into doing more (which also means I tend to sleep a bit less), as there is more light so it takes me longer to flop onto the sofa/bed.
8. Iced coffee. I LOVE iced coffee. Hot coffee after lunch makes me feel cosy and sleepy, iced coffee makes me feel energised and ready to go. It also feels like a treat with very few calories (thinking Americanos, not frappuccinos!)
9. Drying clothes outside. I can't explain how much this fills me with joy, but it does. Very few things scream household bliss than seeing laundry drying outside. Even the smell is better and cleaner!

On travel, quirks and kindness

Earlier this month I traveled to Lisbon, as I do every year around this time. It's a long trip; an hour bus ride to Birmingham, a coach from Birmingham to a London airport, and then a two and a half hour plane trip. I started my trip around 7 am and arrived at my dad's at 6 pm.

I do this every year, so I have fine tuned my trip. I know which of my backpacks is the best for the journey. I download films and music for the trip and I bring a charger because I know my battery never lasts the whole trip without a top up. I bring my book and a notebook (you never know when inspiration will strike). I know the best route from the bus to the coach station. I get to the coach and I google the restaurants at the airport and look at the menus so I know in advance what I'll fancy for lunch. I fasten my coat with my seat belt, so I have a makeshift blanket on my knees for the whole trip. When I get to the airport I follow the same strict order of affairs; first I do the check in and get rid of my luggage, then go past security, then find a shop where I can buy a bottle of water, then go to the bathroom, then eat. After eating I try to stay seated as little as possible, so I window shop. Once I land, I go past security first, then bathroom break, then luggage collection.

All of these things have a specific sequence and a logic to it. If you go to the bathroom right after landing you risk getting stuck in a longer queue for your passport check, as your flight mates will catch up with you. If you do it after luggage collection you then have to share your stall with a massive suitcase. Logic and experience have taught me how to fine tune my travel with choreographic precision.

Why am I rambling about this? Because this is my routine. It works for me. And same as I have fine tuned my travel days, I bet you my boyfriend (who also does this every year) will have his own sequence that he has perfected over his years living abroad. And it's so easy to forget that our way is not the only way. That the other person's sequence will have equal merit, even if it follows a different logic. How many times do we get frustrated because other people don't see things like we do. Because they want to do things their way (the pesky bastards!). Because they keep getting in the way of something that you perfected with their ludicrous ideas or lack of sight. I mean, who forgets to carry change to use the bathroom? ;)

And what about the rest of our lives? Night owls living with early risers, coach potatoes cohabiting with gym bunnies, spur of the moment people sharing a life with lifelong planners. Even the simple things, like don't trust me to remember anything you say before I've had coffee, or I don't like to have the loo roll facing the wall. We are all a collection of quirks and preferences. We all need to make concessions. Sharing your life with other people (family, partners, friends, coworkers) means you accept putting up with their quirks because you know they are doing the same thing for you. No matter how much you try to be your best self, sometimes your quirks will get the best of you and you will forget to put the cheese grater back where your partner can find it in the morning. That's called being human.

I love my travel plans. I perfected them lovingly over many many trips back to Portugal. But I know my plans are not the only ones that work. And when I'm not travelling solo, it's great to learn to share and to remember that my partner will have his own travel arrangements he would rather follow. So we compromise. And more often than not, that makes our travel experience so much richer. So be kind, always. Even if it's in something as trivial and a trip. Be kind, always.

Thankful Thursday # 36

It's time to flex my fingers with our staple post:

1. Spring. This deserves it's own post, but I am definitely super excited about the new season.
2. My boyfriend. The funniest, kindest, most intelligent person I've ever met, and I get to fall asleep by his side every day. Winner!
3. Sunny meditations. I have a spot in the office where I like to meditate, and today the sun was hitting it for the first time this year, giving me a nice boost of vitamin D to start my day.
4. Today's food. There isn't a single meal I'm not excited about today. All of them healthy-ish, all of them super tasty.
5. Smaller tops. I am wearing a top a size smaller than my normal size. I am super excited and proud of myself for this.
6. Lunch dates. I am meeting a friend for lunch for the second time this week. I am a big fan of having quiet lunches, but sometimes I love to break my routine and catch up with friends.
7. Spotify. I love, love, love my Spotify. I don't think how I could ever cope with a work day without music and podcasts.
8. My new pin. For my birthday I gifted myself a pin that says "Prose before bros" and I wear it proudly on my coat. I just love how many compliments I get for it.
9. Clothes drying outside. I can't explain why, but there is little that can compare to sitting at my desk at home looking at clothes drying in the clothes line below.
10. Natter. I am an introvert, which in my case means I struggle to make casual conversation with strangers and shop clerks. That is starting to change and I feel happy and confident in this. It's something that definitely deserves an acknowledgment. 

Thankful Thursday # 35

Trying to get back into the swing of things by returning to a staple post:

1. My boyfriend. My pack and my family of choice.
2. Working indoors. Today it's windy and extremely wet outside, so I am very glad to work in a closed, warm office.
3. New dresses. I have a couple of new dresses I bought this year, but had yet to put them on because I felt self-conscious about how looked. Having recently lost a bit of weight, they add a treat-like quality to my efforts.
4. Disposable income. I don't earn loads of money, but I am blessed with a paycheck that allows me the occasional splurge without the fear my account won't take it.
5. Listening to music while you work. I don't think I would cope well if I had to work in absolute silence. I was definitely made for sound.
6. Tea. My fall back drink when I'm trying to cut back on sugar.
7. Rain. I am dying to go outside and buy more food, because I'm still settling back into my normal diet and trying really hard not to graze. The fact that it's raining cats and dogs definitely trumps the whims of my stomach.
8. Spotting ladybirds. It's a rare occurrence, but one that always fills me with child-like happiness. Ladybird is my pet name, so every time I see one, I innocently feel the Universe is winking at me.
9. Books. I have so, so many books, which is something that makes me very happy.
10. Fancy enamel pins. Shortly before I went on holiday I bought a pin that says Prose before Bros (I know!). It was waiting for me as I returned from holiday and it was a nice treat to help keep the holiday blues away.

Thankful Thursday # 33

Without any ados, here are is my reasons to be grateful this week:

1. My boyfriend. I share my life with a wonderful human and that's always worth mentioning.
2. Working from home. I've been feeling under the weather, so it's great to have the option of stay indoors in comfy wear.
3. Food delivery. Again, it's great that I can just order food in and not have to face the elements outside. Or have to cook when I can barely hold it together.
4. Sunny days. It's so much easier to be cooped up at home when it's sunny.
5. Having a spare bedroom. So you don't disturb your partner when you're coughing your lungs to shreds at 1am.
6. Having a sense of smell. My nose is going but I can still smell. That means that even though I feel like reheated death, the fact that my living space smells like a spa makes me feel less crappy.
7. Calm. It's easily one of my favourite apps. Especially when I am struggling to fall asleep.

Reminders on self-parenting

Early adulthood is all about finding your feet and your space. It's about learning what you can do without many constraints. It's discovering that you can have cereal for dinner without there being a parent to tell you off. You can stay up way past your bedtime with no repercussions beyond your lack of sleep the following day. Leave your room in a mess and spend all your disposable income on books instead of putting something aside in your savings. Without those pesky parents the sky is the limit.

And as your grow (not much) older, as you settle into adulthood in your own terms you realize that you still need some degree of parenting, except now it's on you to parent yourself. You need to figure out what boundaries and rules to put in place, and you need to know why you've put them there.

It has been a very hard earned lesson that sometimes there is a huge difference between what I want and what I need. And furthermore that it's on me to ensure I cater to the former before I indulge in the latter. What I want is to binge watch a show on Netflix, but what I need is to first take the time to ensure I am okay. That I am centered and that there is nothing more pressing to do before opening that promising tab on my laptop. It's on me to stop myself in between episodes and ask myself if there is anything else more productive I should be doing with my time before I hit play again. It's on me to know I probably won't stop the binge by myself and therefore I need to set a timer on my phone so I don't waste an afternoon way. I need to know this. I am my own parent now.

This isn't some inspirational post, it's just a reminder to myself. I think we all need one from time to time.